God does not exist, how many times have I got to tell you? There is no God as there are no goblins or dragons or fairies or caviar cans at reasonable prices. Simply, they don’t exist. You’ll say I am a skeptic. But I’m not, I am a fervent believer. I believe in Science firmly. I have blind faith. If suddenly Heaven were to open and the smiling face of Divinity appeared, even then I would opt for Science, which says that Divinity does not exist. I don’t betray my beliefs at the first sign of trouble! My beliefs are sacred. I don’t need proofs of the truth. I already know the truth, and the truth has a name: it is called Science, blessed be It. Science is not only truer than God, but also has an infinitely more beautiful name: “Science”, “Science”, “Science”… One would be all day pronouncing that name. It seems that honey comes to your lips: “Sciennnnce”. Oh, how much I love It! Science is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes. Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir. (Editor’s note: These are verses from the Song of Solomon, which leads me to think that this man is raving.) I have even erected a small altar in my house dedicated to It, to its holiness Science, personified in a Proton. You’ll say: “Couldn’t you have found a more attractive image of Science? Faced with the choice between elementary particles, electrons are better-looking. Even neutrons, with their giant breeches up to their necks, are more good-looking than a proton.” Alright, alright, but who cares? The important thing is not the symbol but the symbolized: Science, blessed be It. Science is everything to me. Without It, I would wander aimlessly through the vast world of knowledge. In addition, Science is healing. It expels the demons from the body. Without going further, my left ear was possessed by a demon in the form of wax. Yes, I didn’t hear anything with my left ear. I went to Science and It saved me. It expelled the wax from my ear and now I hear in stereo. The otolaryngologist said it was a miracle! A miracle of Science, yes. Because Science works miracles, didn’t you know? You only have to ask for it with faith, with humility, and with a bankroll as an offering. Make sacrifices to Science. Kneel before It. Talk to It as you would with a teddy bear. It will listen to you and attend to your pleas. Provided that these are reasonable, of course. Because reason is the essence of Science, and reason is in perpetual struggle against unreason, which is the essence of superstition and ignorance. Science, blessed be It, is with you at all times, but especially in difficult times. It is a refuge for the afflicted, for the marginalized, for the disinherited of fortune, who find in the Archimedes’ principle their consolation. If you have occasion, enter a laboratory, take a test tube and a burner and perform an experiment. Any one: a nuclear fission, say. You will see how you feel relieved. A laboratory is a temple, a sacred place where Science is worshiped. The other day I was staring at a molecule under the microscope and my tears welled up. There was, before my eyes, the origin of everything: the alpha and the omega. Because God is not the alpha and the omega, don’t be fooled by Religion! Don’t listen to priests, listen to scientists! Haven’t you noticed that scientists are not only more handsome than priests but they wear designer clothes, smell like cologne, get better hairstyles? Never stray from the path scientists draw, don’t conjecture, don’t turn your back on them. They are the intermediaries between you and Science. They only want your own good. Make a genuflection when you stumble upon one, ask him to bless you in the name of Science, give him a mint candy. Even if you have sinned by believing in false gods, in false hopes, in “pie in the sky”. Even so, Science forgives you if you heartily repent and you make an offering, preferably in cash. Science is understanding, It welcomes everyone, forgives everything. Learn by heart the periodic table of elements and recite it every night before going to bed. That will give you strength not to fall into the temptation of superstition and trickery. Science, blessed be It, is omnipresent, it is in everything, because everything is made up of molecules, of elementary particles. Even if you do not see them, they are there, in everything that surrounds you, even in yourselves! … Once a scientist said E =mc2. How right he was!
SILLY HUMOR FOR SMART PEOPLE 