“A FREUD FULL OF NOSES”

The patient, on the couch. The analyst behind seated in a chair.

PATIENT: Did you meet Freud, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Freud? No, I didn’t have the pleasure

PATIENT: He must have been a great man

DOCTOR: Yes, of course

PATIENT: You know? Sometimes, when I’m lying on this couch, I imagine that I am in Freud’s consulting room in Vienna

DOCTOR: Really?

PATIENT: Since you are silent and I can’t see you, I imagine you are Freud. Do you think Freud would have approved that?

DOCTOR: What I think is that the time is running out and you’re wasting your time talking about Freud

PATIENT: So you think talking about Freud is a waste of time, huh? I feel that you don’t like Freud

DOCTOR: I’m a Freudian psychoanalyst, so …

PATIENT: That has nothing to do with it. I have a light bulb factory and yet I don’t like Edison at all. Did you know that Edison stole patents?

DOCTOR: Well, in this Freud resembled him a little.

PATIENT: I beg your pardon? What have you said?

DOCTOR: Well, when one of his pupils fell from grace, he erased all references to his work and appropriated his ideas. At least that’s what some historians of Psychoanalysis say

PATIENT: I can’t believe it! Freud?!

DOCTOR: Well, you see, nobody is perfect. And now let’s talk a little about you. Have you had any dreams lately?

PATIENT: Yesterday I dreamed that I was Freud

DOCTOR: My goodness!

PATIENT: Yes, I was in a cafe in Vienna and then a messenger came running to tell me that a madman had entered my office. “It means I have a client,” I thought, and quickly went to meet him. When I arrived, the door was open and everything was upside down. An individual was destroying my consulting room. Then he pounced on me and throw me a punch. I don’t usually fight with my patients, but this time I made an exception. I grabbed his nose and twisted it. Like this, you see? (he gesticulates as if using a corkscrew). And suddenly his nose came off. “My nose!” he shouted. “Give me my nose back!” But instead, I put it in my face. Now I had two noses, which gave me an advantage over my enemies.

DOCTOR: And what happened to the madman?

PATIENT: He left screaming that I had stolen his nose. And he even denounced me to the police, so I had to go to trial. The judge asked me how it was that I had two noses. He thought I had stolen the madman’s nose. He made me so angry that I grabbed his nose and started twisting it. Like this (again he gesticulates as if uncorking a bottle of wine) And plop! The nose came off his face and I stuck it on mine. Now I had three noses!

DOCTOR: And why did you want so many noses?

PATIENT: Noses are an object of power, doctor, didn’t you know? Now my enemies would tremble just to see me!

DOCTOR: Tell me about your enemies

PATIENT: Well, they are the enemies of Freud. Adler, Jung, Rank, all those traitors are my enemies. Since I am Freud…

DOCTOR: Let’s clarify: we are talking about the dream, right?

PATIENT: What dream?

DOCTOR: Well, the one you had the other night!

PATIENT: What night?

DOCTOR: I don’t know. You said that you had a dream the other night. That you had dreamed of a Freud full of noses

PATIENT: A Freud full of noses?! Doctor, you worry me. I’m afraid it’s you who should be lying on this couch and not me

DOCTOR: According to you, what were we talking about?

PATIENT: We were talking about that lie that Freud stole patents, I mean ideas from others

DOCTOR: Well, let’s say that he borrowed them

PATIENT: That’s an infamy! Freud never stole an idea! Never!

DOCTOR: Okay, Okay. Don’t get excited

PATIENT: How do you want me not to get excited if you tell me about a Freud who was stealing noses?!

DOCTOR: Ah, again the noses!

PATIENT: What noses?

DOCTOR: The ones Freud stole, according to you!

PATIENT: That Freud stole noses?! Are you crazy, doctor?! Freud never stole a single nose! Never! And not because he lacked opportunities. He was always surrounded by noses. Rank, for example, had a good nose

DOCTOR: Do you want us to leave it here? I think it would be convenient

PATIENT: (Exasperated) First you drop a slander and now you want to leave it?!

DOCTOR: Listen, I take back my words about Freud stealing ideas. Does that reassure you?

PATIENT: And what about Freud stealing noses?

DOCTOR: That’s what you said!

PATIENT: (Out of control) That I said Freud stole noses?! How dare you even insinuate such a thing?!

Filled with fury, the patient pounces on the analyst, knocking him down. Sitting astride him, he twists his nose wildly as if he wanted to rip it off. The analyst shouts and asks for help.

This is a non-profit blog whose purpose is to raise funds for children in need. So if you want to make a donation in exchange for this story, click on this link to UNICEF. I really appreciate it!

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