SQUATTEDMAN AGAINST BOSS TWEED

Next to Boss Tweed, in his Tammany Hall office, there is a bricks of cash’s stack which the Boss is storing inside his large safe. Suddenly, something covers the light coming from the window. He turns to look and discovers a squatting man perched on the windowsill. Quickly he takes hold of his revolver and shoots at the intruder. But, as the bullets bounce off the intruder’s naked body, Boss Tweed proceeds to slam the safe’s vault door.

Doing his waddle reminiscent of a dizzy duck gait (Squat and try to walk! Go on, wise guy, try!), Squattedman aproaches Boss Tweed who, inexplicably, begins to dance the rumba.

“What-What-What do you want? I warn you that I have no money.”

Squattedman looks at the bricks of cash that still remain stacked on the ground and Boss Tweed hastens to clarify: “I mean rubles. I don’t have rubles, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“And what is this?” Squattedman asks pointing to the bricks of cash.

“That’s American dollars. They’re useless here in Russia.”

These kinds of tricks are the ones that baffle his enemies. But Squattedman is not fooled so easily. (At least, I hope so.)

“Russia? I thought we were in North America!”

“You kidding?! North America is on the other side of the planet! I’m afraid you skipped some road sign along the way.”

“Do you intend to deceive me?”

“I would never cheat a cripple. If we were in North America, we would be speaking English instead of Russian.”

Squattedman begins to be in two minds.

“Russian?! In the language school they told me it was English!”

“They lied to you. Language schools don’t be able to cope with such a great demand for English classes, so they make their students believe that they learn English when they are actually teaching them any other language.”

“Don’t be fooled, Squattedman! Be advised that you’re dealing with a great manipulator!” 

(This was me: sorry for the interference.) 

Heeding my warning, Squattedman punches Boss Tweed, who is stamped against the ceiling and falls unconscious. 

Then, Squattedman moves away from the safe, squats, and after issuing the propelling blast, goes headfirst into the safe, opening a big hole in the vault door through which he begins to take bricks of cash, filling with them (and with those who stayed in the stack) a huge sack.

Alerted by the noise, one of Boss Tweed’s sidekicks burst into the office and asks our hero: “Who the hell are you?!”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand Urdu.”
“Urdu? Who is talking Urdu?”
“I repeat that I don’t understand Urdu. So don’t insist, my good man.”
Boss Tweed’s sidekick talks to himself in bewilderment: “Is that why Peggy always says she doesn’t understand me? Because I talk Urdu without knowing it?” Then he notices that Squattedman is filling a sack with money:
“What are you doing?”
“If you insist on talking Urdu, I’ll never understand you.”
The man says a swear word denoting surprise and talks to himself again: “I must go to see Peggy and clear up this misunderstanding as soon as possible.” And he rushes out of the office closing the door behind him.
Squattedman finishes bagging the bricks of cash, loads the sack on his shoulder and, after issuing the propelling old blast, flies out the window towards United Hebrew Charities’ headquarters, where he will donate all the money.

This is a non-profit blog whose purpose is to raise funds for children in need. So if you want to make a donation in exchange for this story, click on this link to UNICEF. I really appreciate it!

Boss Tweed

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