"MAKING HIMSELF CLEAR"

The patient (a very fat one) on the couch. The psychoanalyst behind seated in a chair.

PATIENT: I was frequently beaten at school
DOCTOR: Who beat you?
PATIENT: A guy with a mustache who sat on the class platform and was always talking loudly. He was the oldest in the class. He sextupled our age
DOCTOR: You mean the teacher?
PATIENT: Of course! That was the teacher! I should have guessed! Thank you, doctor. Now I’m making myself clear!
DOCTOR: Why did he beat you?
PATIENT: For always being late to class
DOCTOR: Did you have many friends?
PATIENT: Define ‘many’
DOCTOR: One?
PATIENT: Not so many
DOCTOR: So, you were a lonely boy…
PATIENT: Well, I had a turtle: Sandy. She used to accompany me to school. We walked side by side like two good friends
DOCTOR: You matched her pace?
PATIENT: Sure. She could not walk fast
DOCTOR: And that’s why you were always late for class
PATIENT: Of course, man! That explains why I was always late! Now I’m making myself clear!
DOCTOR: Have you ever measured your “intelligence quotient”?
PATIENT: 180
DOCTOR (surprised): Why! That’s a genius IQ score!
PATIENT: Bah, intelligence is highly overrated. Napoleon was a genius and you know the mess he made in Europe. Instead, Lazar Mendelovitz was an idiot but invented the chicken
DOCTOR: Do you like History?
PATIENT: Especially the History of the past
DOCTOR: What is your favorite History period?
PATIENT: One hundred thousand before Christ
DOCTOR: That’s the time of the Neanderthals
PATIENT: Was Napoleon a Neanderthal?!
DOCTOR: Are you sure your intelligence quotient is 180? How did you measure it?
PATIENT: Once, I was in Boston and in one corner there was a device which for a penny measured your intelligence quotient.
DOCTOR: That must be a coin operated scale to weigh yourself
PATIENT: Oh, shit! Now I’m making myself clear! You know, doctor? My cousin was right when he told me that if I visited a psychoanalyst I would see my life much more diaphanously

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