A phantom is scary, whereas a ghost strikes fear. Phantoms sometimes wear a toupee, while ghosts prefer to carry a toaster on the head. Phantoms are staunch enemies of goblins, while ghosts are staunch enemies of elves. (Goblins and elves are staunch enemies of the British Prime Minister, who in turn is staunch enemy of Sir Jonas C. Brubacker’s phantom and his political clique.). A phantom can become a ghost under certain conditions (for example, on request of the Pope of Rome or someone called Ignatius). In contrast, a ghost cannot become a phantom under penalty of being forced to wear shorts. (Wearing shorts is a humiliation for both phantoms and ghosts, unless the shorts are yellow in which case it’s still a humiliation for phantoms while for ghosts it’s just a sample of bad taste.) Phantoms and ghosts compete for the same territory, and their way of competing is as follows: The phantom and the ghost face each other and both imitate a baboon. Whoever attracts a female baboon wins and keeps the territory. In the event that a female mandrill -or a male of any other species- is attracted instead, the seducer not only loses the territory but also is forced to wear shorts.