Increasing reports of cow abduction by alien spacecrafts around the world lead us to wonder: Are aliens behind fast food establishments? Ancient astronaut theorist Phil Mahoney thinks so. “The other day my nephew forced me to eat a hamburger at a fast-food restaurant and I noticed the unmistakable taste of abducted cow, typically smoky”, he declares. Mahoney knows what he’s talking about because he himself was abducted by a giant cigar-shaped UFO when he was grazing in the meadows behind his house. Six strange beings “with the appearance of boiled seaweed almost make ground meat out of me”, he adds with logical disgust. It was not the first time that Mahoney had been mistaken for a cow. (“That’s because I chew the cud. Unchewed cud doesn’t taste like anything”). On one occasion a bull also tried to abduct him, but he managed to escape by climbing a tree.