WAS ALBERT EINSTEIN A REPTILIAN?

Michael Schlimazl and Jacob Schlemihl deal with a client who just asked them if they believe in aliens. “I’m afraid not,” Michael says “I’m not even sure the Earth is round. Half of the world’s population would be living upside down. Can you imagine the headache that that would cause?”“Personally, I consider the Earth to be ball-shaped,” says Jacob. “You see?” the client addresses Michael, “Your partner is more clued up than you are.”“He means an American football.” “You know what? I don’t care about the stupid things you believe or disbelieve in. I am offering you this case on behalf of President Roosevelt himself. So, what’s your answer?”“What leads President Roosevelt to suspect an alien infiltration on Earth?” “He has received a report from an anonymous source. It speaks of reptilian beings that are taking human form. But still can be recognized because, just like reptiles, they have a long tongue which they constantly stick out.”“And why does he suspect Albert Einstein?”“When you see him, you’ll understand.”“Just tell us one thing. Why has the President thought of us for finding out whether Albert Einstein is an alien? Why not the CIA? Why not the FBI?”“Why not the NFL?”, Jacob adds. “Jacob,” Michael chides. “Albert Einstein is not the Giants’ new quarterback but a reputable scientist.” “President Roosevelt’s got a suspicious mind,” the client explains. “He sees potential threats everywhere. There are the nazis, the communists, Eleanor Roosevelt, the moron who occasionally walks in his underwear in front of the White House…” Suddenly he stares at Jacob, who blushes. “By the way, you look a lot like him…” Jacob gets defensive, “So what? The world is full of morons. It could be any one of a million people.”“Get going,” Michael urges the client, who continues, now without taking his suspicious eyes off Jacob: “Mayor LaGuardia has spoken highly of you.”“Okay. We take the case.”“Mayor LaGuardia said you would. A reservation has been made at Delmonico’s. You have a scheduled lunch tomorrow with Mr. Einstein at one o’clock. You’ll pretend to be astronomers seeking life on other planets. That will serve as an alibi to ask the right questions.”

The next day at Delmonico’s, Michael and Jacob chat amiably with Albert Einstein after finishing dinner. Einstein sports his characteristic crazy hairdo, bulging eyes and stuck out tongue.“So you are looking for alien life!”“That’s right.”“Most likely, it does exist. But also most likely, you won’t find it.”“Why not?” Jacob protests. But Michael intervenes in support of their guest: “Mr. Einstein is right. You never find anything. That’s why you’re always forced to wear two different coloured socks.”“I am not questioning your ability”, Einstein explains, “It’s just that, in case of existing, alien life is probably too far away, in another galaxy. Your telescopes don’t go far enough.”“We don’t use telescope,” Jacob points out.“Astronomers without a telescope?”“We don’t need it, we have good eyesight.”Einstein bursts out laughing.”Mr. Einstein, we have to ask you a question,” Michael says, “but it’s embarrassing ’cause it’s personal.” “And perhaps you take it the wrong way,” Jacob adds.”Why don’t you ask me and have it over?””Okay. Come on, Jacob! Ask it!””What-what planet were you born in?””No, that’s not the question,” shouts Michael.Einstein laughs, “How funny you are!”“Okay, here goes, was it your mother who gave birth to you or…?””No, that’s not it either!” Michael chides Jacob: “Stop asking foolish questions, will you?”“Ha, ha, ha! You can’t be scientists. Scientists are boring!””Look, the question has to do with this.” Both stick out their tongues imitating their guest, who has his tongue out reaching up to his chin. “Ha, ha, ha! You must be clowns, not scientists. Clowns are great imitators. But if you want to imitate me, let me make some tweaks.”He gets up and shakes their mops of hair until they are frizzy like his own. Then he sits down again: “Now we all look alike!”“Why is it that you always have your tongue out, if I may ask?”, suddenly asks Jacob.”That’s the question!” Michael approves.“Oh, it’s the force of habit. In Switzerland I worked for years in the postal service, pasting stamps.”Michael stands up and exclaims: “Well, that explains it, then. Mr. Einstein, it was nice meeting you, but we’ve got some business.”Jacob rises too and they all shake hands.“Sure, your show is in the afternoon, I guess. I would like to go see you. I love circus, but I am afraid that I have an appointment with some authentic scientists. Serious people, you know. Tedious people! They just won’t leave me alone since I formulated that equation!”“Which equation, if it’s not indiscreet?” asks Jacob.“E = mc2”“Wow! Nice one!”“Yes, very beautiful” Michael agrees.“You should dedicate yourself to formulate equations and quit Science,” says Jacob. “That way you wouldn’t have to deal with so many boring people.”Einstein bursts out laughing: “I’ll think about it.”

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