SANDWICHES

(CONT’D) The fact is that, when the dispute between the two detectives ceased, they realized that the sandwich was gone. Who was to blame? The supposed monster? A tribe of ants? An Amazon tribe of sandwich eaters known as ‘gurgitators’? (The same tribe that was blamed for the disappearance of all the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches’ crusts in the state of Texas.) Had the sandwich vanished by itself? Since no explanation was conclusive, they were forced to repeat the operation the next day. But repeating an operation under the same circumstances is the best way to obtain the same results. Every day for a week, Michael Schlimazl and Jacob Schlemihl tried to follow the designed plan to deceive the monster, but in the end they had to accept the sad reality: they were incapable of not fighting for the last sandwich in the basket. So they were forced to resort to another tactic. They hired a boat and went out one night to row through the calm waters of the Pond. Michael held a fishing rod from which a sandwich hung as a bait. When the boat was right in the middle of the pond, the following surreal conversation took place. Since it was so dark, I wasn’t able to identify the voices.
“Hey, man, I’m tired of peanut butter!”
“What have you said?”
“Would it be too much to ask for a little variation for sandwich filling?”
“Say that again.”
“Have you ever heard of something called tuna?”
“How dare you?”
“Who? Me? You are the one who have talked about tuna.”
“Don’t talk nonsense. I don’t even like tuna.”
“So, why do you ask for it?”
“Shit! The sandwich!”
“Who said that?!”
“Someone has eaten the sandwich!”
“You don’t think that I…”
“Is there someone else here besides you and me?”
“Come on, Michael, I’d never lie to you about such an important thing.”
“About what do you lie to me?”
“Unimportant things.”
“For example?”
“The year of your birth.”
“Who said that?!”
“Do you imply that you know better than me in what year I was born?”
“Who said that?”
“The time has come for you to know…”
“To know what?”
“I’m your father.”
“Who said that?”
“Are you drunk? Throw me your breath.”
“Ugh! You stink of brandy!”
“That’s not my breath!”
“How are we going to capture the monster if you are drunk?”
“Who are you calling ‘monster’, asshole?”
“Who said that?!”
“The stink comes from the pond.”
“How dare you call me asshole?!”
“It was not me, Michael! It seems to me that we’re not alone.”
Michael strives to see in the dark:
“I see nothing.”
“It looks like Mr. Miller!”
“The tailor of Flatbush Avenue? Are you crazy?”
“Hey guys! Can you stop arguing and put another sandwich on the hook?”
“Who said that?”
“Quite what Mr. Miller would do at night in the middle of The Pond I don’t know?”
“You got any tuna sandwich in there?”
“Who said that?!”
“You see how there is someone else?”
“I see nothing! That’s the problem.”
“Do you want my flashlight?”
“Did you have a flashlight and you said nothing?!” (TO BE CONTINUED)