HOW CAN WE GAIN PSYCHIC POWERS?

Diet is essential. You have to eat chard. Chard in spades. And pickles. And spinach. No red meat! Red meat is physical. Fish is more balanced, more psychic. In the late 1990s, there was a tuna in Rockaway that read your pants and, if you still had time, even ironed your future. What did I say? I mean, a tuna that read your future and even ironed your pants. Obviously I am referring to the psychic who cared for the tuna: tuna cannot read the future, cannot even read the newspaper. Which does not mean they are stupid. Tuna is one of the smartest fish around. And one of the most handsome too. It also lends itself to reading because its scales have a clear, unadorned typeface … which is a true reflection of its predictions. Because tuna doesn’t beat around the bush. If you are gonna die tomorrow, you’re told “tomorrow you’ll kick the bucket”. Not like hake and other fishes, which so adorn the prediction, that you leave the sitting with the convinction that death is only the negative part of tomorrow: everything else will be great. And after all, death is negative depending on which fish you read. For tuna readers, death is the beginning of a new better life. However, if the tuna predicts that you are going to die tomorrow, he’ll never tell you “tomorrow you are gonna start a new better life”. That would be unethical, and would justify returning from the dead the day after tomorrow to ask for your money back.

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