‘UFO TODAY’ SCOOP: INTERVIEW WITH AN ALIEN

(At the express wish of the alien, we omit his name. The same for the journalist. Both are currently on the run.)

Journalist: “Well, Mr. Alien, tell us, why have you agreed to give us this interview?”
Alien: “Your government threatened me if I refused”
J.: “We’d better change our course. How are you coping with the fact of being an alien?”
A.: “How are you coping with the fact of being an ass?”
“We’d better change our course. Why are you aliens so elusive? Is it because of shyness?”
“I stopped being elusive for a moment and you see where I am”
“We’d better change our course…”
“If we keep changing course, we will end up in the river”
“It has already become clear to our readers that you are not here of your own free will”
“I am compelled by your government to make a public statement”
“Okay. Go ahead”
“I’m here to deny those ridiculous rumors that your newspaper spreads”
“About what?
“About this planet being visited by aliens”
“But Mr. Alien, what about the UFO sightings?”
“They are just weather balloons. Or the planet Venus. Or a flock of ducks. Or in some cases an old woman named Henrietta Sokolovitz “
“And why should our readers believe you?”
“According to your government, I am an authoritative voice”
“You certainly are. However, I notice a certain contradiction between your words and your presence among us. What does this apparent contradiction mean?”
“Which contradiction?”
“Well, can you also deny the fact that you are here talking to me right now?”
“Damn! Do you have a phone handy?! I need to speak to the government!”
“Come on, Mr. Alien, why don’t you forget about the government and tell us the truth and nothing but the truth?”
“All right. To hell with the government! What do you want to know?”
“To begin with, what planet do you come from?”
“Grjsdlkjsdy”
“Ah, Ffdkrjsr!”
“Have you ever been there?”
“Me?”
“You’ve used an aware tone”
“How was l to be to Kplhugjsrd?”
“Grjsdlkjsdy”
“How was l to be to Wkldwqewjs?!”
“It sounds just the way it’s spelled. Grjsdlkjsdy”
“Whatever! Tell us what do you do for a living in Ppykajhdof?”
“I burp and belch”
“I beg your pardon?”
“When the financial situation so permits, I burp. Otherwise, I belch”
“I’m in shock”
“I’ve got a burping superpower, you know? I can burp out a candle”
“This blows my mind. I had a totally different idea about the superpowers of aliens”
“I still have another superpower”
“Don’t tell me! I prefer not to know! We’d better change our course… I guess you aliens have a very advanced technology”
“You betcha!”
“Give us an example”
“We have a fake mouse with a key on its back. When you wind it up, it makes a run”
“You must be joking”
“Indeed, we use it for jokes. You hide behind a corner and put down the mouse as somebody walks by. The start is guaranteed. Ha, ha, ha! It makes me chuckle every time!… What’s the matter? Why are you pulling such a face?”
“What about the technology to reach the Earth?”
“Bah! The trick is going back draft to get a good running start”
“Some other trick for the guys in NASA?”
“Just keep the spark plugs clean… Why are you giving me that look again?”
“I’m gobsmacked at what you say. We’d better change our course… Tell our readers about the social organization on your planet Gkf…”
“Grjsdlkjsdy”
“Whatever”
“It’s very simple. One commands and the others obey”
“That’s a dictatorship!”
“Technically. But imagine a dictatorship with a Heaven-sent leader that envelop you with her immense love like a delightful nanny”
“Mary Poppins rules your planet as a dictator?!”
“¿Who?”
“There’s one thing I still don’t get. If you are so comfortable on your planet, why do you come to ours to piss we off?”
“Define ‘piss we off’ “
“You abduct us, give us unsolicited medical check-ups, suck the blood of our cattle… All that bad shit”
“Come on, man! Why don’t you look at it from the positive side? Doesn’t that give excitement to your lives?”
“My wife gives my life all the excitement it needs. By the way, are you married?”
“Well, of course I am married”
“To whom?”
“To myself.”
“What shit is this? An advice from a self-help book? Like ‘take yourself on a self date’?”
“We aliens just happen to be hermaphrodites”
“What?”
“Our right side is female and our left is male. It’s very convenient. We don’t have to go around like cash-strapped ghosts searching for our better half.”
“But you can’t make love with yourself!”
“Who says we can’t?”
(The alien drops down and rolls on the floor hugging himself and moaning with pleasure)

Journalist: “All right. After this demonstration of idiocy, let’s go on to serious issues. You aliens have such an advanced civilization… Could you reveal to us the secret of the Universe in a single sentence?”
Alien: “In a single sentence?”
J.: “Yes, please”
A.: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”
“I see. You are making an allegory”
“Making what?”
“I mean, what does the apple represent?”
“Represents the fruit that apple trees bear”
“I see. Tell me one thing. On your planet Mfrw…”
“Grjsdlkjsdy”
“Whatever! In Bjahgerty is everyone as smart as you? Or you are above the average?”
“I’m above average”
“In intelligence? Really?”
“Do you even doubt it? Okay, put me to the test!”
“It’s not necessary”
“I insist! Try me!”
“Okay. How much is two and two?”
“Come on. That’s a cinch! Do not refrain”
“How much is two and three?”
“Don’t go overboard, man! Ask me to add up two identical numbers!”
“Three plus three equals…”
“Thirteen!”
“That’s what I figured! You’re a genius.”
“Thanks”
“Now, what if you tell us about the Roswell incident?”
“Yikes! This is a very sensitive subject…”
“UFO Today doesn’t mind stepping on some toes”
“It’s not about stepping on toes but about crushing on feet with a steamroller!”
“Never mind. Go ahead! Don’t hold anything back”
“Okay! In 1947 a ship from Grjsdlkjsdy crashed in the New Mexico desert. The government sent the army to loot the spacecraft’s wreckage. There was a survivor who was taken prisoner and forced to mate with himself to make more aliens. Did I tell you that we’re hermaphrodites?”
“Yes, yes. Continue”
“At Area 51, aliens are forced by the government to breed like rabbits!”
“For what purpose?”
“Your government needs to simulate an invasion of Earth by aliens. They have almost gotten the necessary number of troops. Soon this army of tamed aliens will conquer Earth thanks to their superpowers…”
“By superpowers you mean…”
“Yes. Burps and belches”
“We’re doomed”
“And then they will enthrone your president as the supreme leader of planet Earth. That’s it!”
“Hush! I think I hear shooting”
“I did warn you”
“We’ve got to run!
“Can I say goodbye to your readers?”
“There is no time! Hurry!”
(End of the interview)

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